The boy is getting his learners permit to drive. What the fuck just happened? I can't even with this shit right now. He also started his first job as a cashier at a local grocery store. Again, I can't even with this shit. I've mostly come to peace with our somewhat strained relationship and have let most of the shit go and plopped myself in the present and am doing the best I can as a mother. It's all I have.
The Husband is doing good. He's on medicinal (legal here in Jersey) for his psoriatic arthritis. It's been a roller coaster getting him on it, but thank all of the deities that every existed for Cannabis. It's a miracle herb. If it ever does become legal, I may try some edibles (can't smoke anymore because of my asthma). My psych thinks a strain with high CBD and low THC would work well for me, but only as needed during certain cycles. Hey, a girl can dream can't she. We've been married now for 3 years and so we've settled into ourselves. There are some growing pains here and there but the older I get the more I realize that growing pains are actually opportunities to strengthen yourself and your relationship not to mention to become closer to yourself and your spouse. We really are the same fucking person. Which is great when we're both on our game, or at least one is. The trouble comes when we're both in a fucking mood. Like today. I left work early because I literally woke up feeling like I could shoot flames from my fingertips and work was making me feel paranoid. The Man was supposed to stay home today but went to work because I did. Now you getting the picture? He's gonna be in quite the mood when he gets home so I'll have his pipe ready to chill his ass down and I'm making steak with baked potatoes for dinner which we will eat outside IF IT EVER FUCKING STOPS RAINING IS THIS GODDAM IRELAND OR FUCKING WHAT!
If you even question whether I write like I talk, I just starting doing little videos with a friend I met blogging about 13 or so years ago. She has the cutest Southern Accent and she will attest that I talk like a fucking trucker.
Anywho. So I've caught you up (very briefly) on work, The Boy, and The Man. What about ME?
Well, an epiphany occurred a few minutes ago which prompted me to drag out my laptop and start pecking away at these keys. I've lost my way. I'm so worried and obsessed over being the perfect wife, mother, employee that I've forgotten how to be...…..ME. I think that's why I had to run out of work like a lunatic and get home for some alone time. I feel like I'm losing myself in life. I've gained some of the weight back that I lost. I was down to 186 and now I'm 213. I do little things that I think will make me feel better (got a sweet eyebrow piercing)
and some other shit not worth mentioning but will bring smiles to my face but all in all, I've lost my way. What the fuck does that mean. Well, I sincerely, think this is almost 100% Spiritual.
I used to be a big planner. I didn't work, I had time and money to plan for a holiday. Nothing was spared and everything was perfect. Now I work at least 40 hours a week, have a home and family to take care of and figure if I can't do it the "way I want to" then why fucking bother. Today is the perfect example.
I woke up like a fucking asshole. Weighed myself and gained weight. Talked to myself for an hour about calling out of work but went in and left early anyway. I obsessed from the moment I opened my eyes about today being the Solstice and how I haven't done a fucking thing. My altar would normally be beautifully dressed, I'd have a meal with dessert planned and a Ritual waiting for me. None of those things were done, which is why I think my panties were in a wad. I bailed outta work at 11:30 because I was starting to get paranoid (thank you Bipolar you fucking superstar). I came home, couldn't calm the fuck down and then got a fucking plan.
What's my plan? I took out steak to grill for my Solstice dinner and the circular food is a potato (yes, I realize it's not a complete circle but fuck it). I took a prayer candle and some sharpies and wrote all the fuck over it. I sat in front of my altar and yelled and screamed for a good 5 minutes. I got it all out. Verbal vomit. I lit my candle and pulled up my laptop.
I am evolving. My Litha of 2019 looks nothing like my Litha of 2006 and it shouldn't. Nothing stays the same and this is my life now. Messy, beautiful and untamed. I'm tuning into that and accepting the beautiful mess that I am which carries into every aspect of my life, including my Spirituality. Right now, I am feeling the Goddess of Chaos and that's ok. It doesn't matter whether the altar is perfect, the meal exquisite, the Ritual written out and planned ahead of time. It matters that I show up and open up. Everything else is just decorations.